How do you know you found your perfect mate, in his kiss?

Of course!! But, it’s probably not the kiss that you’re thinking about right now.

As time passes in a committed relationship, things may start to change as you become more and more comfortable around your mate. Intimate, private things, like using the toilet (peeing) while your mate is in the shower may become commonplace. But, it can go beyond that. I’m not talking about pooping while your mate is in the shower. Although, I did do that once, in an emergent situation. It was the only toilet available. I’m talking about something that happens many times each and every day, for humans with normal digestive systems anyway. Farting!

I was 41 and dating my fart machine, now husband of almost 18 years, before I ever intentionally fired off a full-throttle air biscuit in front of a man, any man, on purpose, and it was him. There have been a few little blips that escaped my backside here and there, but none that I intended to launch. Let me take this opportunity to publicly apologize to J. Smith, who, in junior high school, was sitting behind me in class when I tried to let a teeny tiny silent one escape from my buns. It was not silent. I can still see the look on his face as vividly as if it were happening right now. He was mortified, and I just wanted to sink into the floor and disappear.

Not being able to remember exactly when I first farted in front of my fart machine husband, I asked him if he remembered. He said, “It was probably a couple months after we’d gotten together.” “Wow! That early on?” “You just felt that comfortable around me, I reckon,” he replied. Isn’t he a lucky, lucky man?!

Lately, my husband seems to be reveling in a very odorous game of firing off air biscuits near me as often as possible. I swear he’ll sit down close to me only to blow me a kiss from his ass and waits until I notice the aroma. Sometimes I hear them, but he really loves it when I don’t! The whole silent-but-deadly sneak attack fart thing! He just grins during our conversation and I assume he’s intently listening to the words I’m speaking. Aw, so sweet. But, no. BAM!! The deadly green fog reaches my olfactory system and I yell, “You garbage ass!!” which he thoroughly enjoys!

About a week ago, I was turning in for the night and walking to our bedroom. Hubby had gone to bed several minutes before me and I tried not to wake him. As I quietly opened the bedroom door, I immediately smelled his butt-kiss which hit me like a wrecking ball (Thank you, Miley, for your descriptive lyrics). The small fan we have blowing every night was not helping this situation, at all. Not willing to endure the horrid smell while trying to sleep (it was extraordinarily heavy and persistent), I went to our bathroom, grabbed the air-freshener from the vanity and blasted it directly into the fan several times to combat the stench! It took a minute or two, but the air was eventually breathable again. The next day, hubby told me that he’d been awake during this event and was silently cracking up. Laugh it up, butt-kiss. Laugh it up!!!

Note: You may wonder why the butt-kisses don’t bother my husband. Well, when you use a cpap machine at night, that face mask thoroughly protects you from such odorous emissions. How convenient! There have been many times that I’ve threatened to retaliate by farting directly into his air hose.

Friday night, we turned in at the same time. While hubby got all tucked in under the covers, I brushed my teeth and completed my nightly routine. Just as I was turning out the bathroom light and nearing the bed, his ass blew me a big, loud, raunchy-smelling kiss! That was IT!! I’d had enough of breathing his butt exhaust (air pollution) and was going to do something about it! I went back into the bathroom, grabbed the non-aerosol air-freshener, walked over to his side of the bed and raised the covers to expose his butt. Then, I shot two full squirts of the freshener into the ass-crack of his underwear! Feeling accomplished and satisfactorily redeemed, I placed the freshener on the bathroom sink, climbed into bed and found my comfy spot. I was closing my eyes in anticipation of sweet slumber, while enjoying the fresh and lovely honeysuckle-scented air, when hubby said, “My ass is wet.” I answered, “Well, FART and DRY it out!!” I kept him awake for quite a while, shaking the bed with my recurring giggles, but I eventually laughed/cried myself to sleep.

The next morning, I asked fart machine hubby, “Is your ass still wet?” He replied, “Yup, but it smells good,” and while turning his butt toward me asked, “Wanna smell?” Feeling super proud of myself, I retorted, “You liked that, didn’t you?” Hubby, as he was caressing his beard, pondering my question, said, “I wasn’t expecting that!!”

When you’re this comfortable around your mate, it really is a beautiful thing and very entertaining, albeit smelly at times. Yes, I found my perfect mate and he reminds me every day. Sometimes several times a day. Ha ha, with his butt-kiss!!